Back to America

In a few weeks I will be deported back to the US when my student visa expires. I have a few grievances I would like to acknowledge before I go.

  1. Up until a few years ago I would have been able to extend my Tier 4 visa for two additional years. S/O to Theresa May for closing down borders as a thank you for me pumping at least £100,000 into the economy here over the past four years. As I cannot extend my visa without a sponsor anymore I have been applying for jobs in the UK to get a work visa. However, at the end of each interview I’ve had the prospective employer asks if I have any questions. This is the point when I mention my international status and get instantly DENIED. Businesses must pay a fee to hire from outside of the EU. I am not enough of a star to warrant that fee.
  2. I will be moving back to the suburbans to reside with my parents. My parents are pretty great and we enjoy drinking nice alcohols and playing dominoes together. By now you should be aware that I am not ashamed to freeload either so that is not an issue. The problem I have with this is that I will not be able to continue my rather exciting and mildly immoral lifestyle. There are no Michelin stars where we live and my parents scorn material wealth because they believe in the American dream or something like that. Also they are Catholics and don’t really enjoy the thought of their darling daughter fucking my man hoes. To reestablish my life as a high flying socialite a miracle will have to happen. Hashtag send prayers
  3. I sort of have to sneak the hedgehog on my flight. Dw, I filled out the forms and paid a shitload for her to be accepted into the US being the bad hombre that she is but the airline company itself only accepts dogs, cats, and ferrets into its cabin. She has a little ticket booked under a chihuahua which will work as long as, y’know, they don’t see her. Otherwise I am going to call in a favor w my connected friend Tim and ask him to sort a private jet for me. He has a friend who brokers such things and I think I have helped him enough with his love life to pay me back.
  4. Nobody will hire me due to my unique degree choice. I can’t remember what lie I told y’all it was to keep my identity secret but its a BSc in a pretty specific field. Does it matter that I went to a top uni with high merit? Not one bit :)))
  5. I am confused by how to make more friends without sleeping with them after college. Because probably I don’t want to sleep with people for them to be my friends but everyone is already going to have established friend squads and then there will be sad little me. Maybe I will start a wine and cheese society.

On the bright side I get a puppy. We will travel to the land of the Quakers (aka PA) and I can pick out any one a want as long as it is half poodle. What would a French bull doodle look like I wonder?

Sincerely yours,

A former crazy girl


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