Chemistry v Security

Am I betraying myself?

I know the sugar daddy is falling for me. And the thing is, he is lovely. He is more thoughtful, kind, and protective than any of the other men I have dated in my past. He sends me flowers with little notes that he misses me. He adores his cats and I can’t resist a man who loves animals. On occasion he surprises me with a witty sense of humor and is decent looking (Okay, average but our children would be beautiful.) The sex gets the job done so to speak. I’ve orgasmed every time but one. On paper, he is ideal.

The chemistry however is lacking.

I’ve felt strong chemistry twice in my life. I believe in the idea of soul mates but that you have thousands of them. The first was with the guy I lost my virginity to and although he is a bit of an asshole and ghosted me a week later it took me more than two years to get over. We still snapchat on occasion but I’ve seen his less charming side. We have the same sense of humor, both ride horses, study the same degree, and are pretty sexy people. My longterm (ex) boyfriend always knew in the back of my mind I was thinking about the virgin thief.

The second time was in September and took me completely by surprise. I agreed to meet up with Asian Bae for dinner and actually almost skipped it as I had suffered a sexual assault earlier that week but as he flew to my city to see me went through with it. I wasn’t originally physically attracted to him; he was 33 and well, more asian than I was used to but after talking for three hours at dinner I kind of not accidentally missed my train back and stayed over at his artsy boutique hotel… He and I both felt as though we had known each other for years and later when he booked a transatlantic trip just to see me I truly thought that he could be The One. Jeez, even as I type this I feel a tear in my eye. I am too soft! I never got tired discussing anything with him; politics, philosophy, opera, biology, and sitcoms. He laughed at me when I told him my feelings after he started seeing someone else at the same time. I think of him every day despite trying to convince myself that he is immature and suffers from some profound personality flaw. He also has a thing for Scandinavian artists. Enough about him though.

Maybe I only feel chemistry with shitty guys? Both are kind of players like me but I think I am entering that stage when I want security. Can chemistry grow? The daddy treats me like a rare and beautiful flower. Is it betraying my self awareness if after these beautiful attractions I reject that and settle for safety? I don’t know. But right now my dissertation is more important.

Sincerely yours,



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