I took some time off. Sometimes for me it is healthy to stop thinking and namely, analyzing my life. In that time though I have relocated to the Big Apple. New York and I have relatively little history. I guess the highlights include a top comment on HoNY, a fifth grade field trip on which everyone got food poisoning and spent the bus ride back vomiting in the toilet, and this being the city asian bae (I forget what I fake named him, but the older lawyer [refer to my list of cast and character post]) lives in. Coincidentally I too work in law but for much older and less attractive attorneys.
One day at a rooftop party in Brooklyn I had a little bit too much to drink and being the jovial, accepting girl I am sent him a quick message on the Insta and told him we should grab lunch sometime. I immediately deleted the message in hopes that I would drink away the memory as the night wore on and went to bed after a good pound of sesame chicken.
Jason didn’t realize I was drunk and replied the next morning, saying that lunch would be really nice, how about that Thursday at The Smith? Chagrinned and the tiniest bit excited I accepted despite the fact that it was not really I who initiated contact but drunk me. Drunk me is a different person entirely, smh.
Wednesday night I spent a good forty minutes choosing the perfect work appropriate while chic outfit (a fluted pencil skirt by Nanette Lepore with a billowing grey top from mango and tried to piece together my thoughts. I wondered if he was single, what I would do if he was, and if I could stop myself from hoping. I told my roommates that I didn’t have feelings for him and just needed closure to convince myself how wrong he was for me. This was like 83% a lie.
When he hugged me it was short and stiff. I should’ve known right then. Excitedly though I told him about all of my (mis)adventures and projects since I last saw him, when he came to visit me in Scotland last December. I told him about my musical (Jonestown), my call back to an audition (I would end up missing it to proof read my boss’s supporting documents), and my new puppy. I pretended as though nothing had ever happened. My happy pills make it much easier for me to Block out unpleasant information. Finally though, it was time to let him speak. He said he was doing really well with his girlfriend and that life was good.
I truly gave a valiant effort at masking my despair, the level of which even shocked me but it was to no avail. I began to cry in the very busy restaurant and asked him if he was going to apologize for laughing at me when I told him I had feelings for him.
Sorry guys I am even crying now I don’t understand what is wrong with me.
Jason let me lay into him, really. He let me cry and call him a dick and tell him he lacked emotional maturity and that I was not a plaything. I got up to leave more than once but social convention (which was already out the window) brought me back.
Basically, Jason was seeing two of us at once and outright lied when I asked him if he was getting back with this ex (now once again) girlfriend of his. My heart was ripped open. I think part of it was that I had sensed when he was with me his head was somewhere else but I had convinced myself I was insane. And that he let me think this. And that he didn’t treat me like a person. Maybe it was how he just took it and clearly had no feelings for me and how I let myself be so vulnerable to him. And that I have never and will never meet anyone like him who made me feel that way. Maybe in another universe somewhere he and I are together and happy and healthy and in love. He wrote me a letter once about the multiple universe theory and how in another he was waking up next to me. But in this life, and this universe that is not and will not be my reality. It was special to me but not so much to him and I am working to accept that. Which is why I am writing this shitty post.
There is not good and bad in this world, no evil or purity. There just is. You can tell me his is a dick and not worth it but we are all multifaceted and unique, just like everyone else. And I will meet more people and remember him with hopefully a little bit less angst moving forward. But I don’t think I will ever believe that we couldn’t have had something amazing. And that is okay.
A former crazy girl who just wrote the most shite, non sequitur post to date.