WELCOME

Okay so I told my various friends, fans, and lovers on Insta that I was either going to start a blog or an organic, fairtrade cocaine plantation. I try to be an honest soul so as my mother refuses to fund the initial startup costs of the latter, I am starting a blog. I will not tell any of them about this because although personal dets are being altered I am thinking that they might not be ready for the true colors of my life. And I promise you that it is all true. Well actually I am probably an unreliable narrator due to my unique perspective on life and occasional mental instabilities but maybe that makes my tales more honest. I don’t filter them with lofi or mayfair or juno.

Some fun facts about me:

I do have a top comment on HONY. If you don’t know what HONY is an acronym for you are even more culturally deprived than me and that is really saying something.

I was unfortunate enough to be stuck with a lifelong tinder ban. No that does not mean I can delete my account and make another. It means I can never swipe right AGAIN.

I have a very special friend who is a pygmy hedgehog. Cashmere had a very rough start to life and as such she is a right sassy twat. That is some British lingo I have learned. This is a separate fact but also I am living in exile from my homeland. In England. There is a beautiful store called M&S  and many people think orange is an acceptable skin tone.

I have been in love a total of 1.5 times. Buckle up because this is an entertaining aspect of my existence.

Not really that fun but I am a 21 year old student who identifies as a heterosexual female. I prefer the pronoun “Xe”

^this is a joke I am sorry if it is not PC enough for you, truly.

^ The truly part is a lie I do not care and lack social inhibition.

Some topics that will probably come up a lot include my mental state, romantic life, and general non opinions on going ons and books. The researchers said I was gifted so take it seriously!

Sincerely Yours,

AFCG

ps I think that the next big market crash will be in April 2017.

Featured post

Back to America

In a few weeks I will be deported back to the US when my student visa expires. I have a few grievances I would like to acknowledge before I go.

  1. Up until a few years ago I would have been able to extend my Tier 4 visa for two additional years. S/O to Theresa May for closing down borders as a thank you for me pumping at least £100,000 into the economy here over the past four years. As I cannot extend my visa without a sponsor anymore I have been applying for jobs in the UK to get a work visa. However, at the end of each interview I’ve had the prospective employer asks if I have any questions. This is the point when I mention my international status and get instantly DENIED. Businesses must pay a fee to hire from outside of the EU. I am not enough of a star to warrant that fee.
  2. I will be moving back to the suburbans to reside with my parents. My parents are pretty great and we enjoy drinking nice alcohols and playing dominoes together. By now you should be aware that I am not ashamed to freeload either so that is not an issue. The problem I have with this is that I will not be able to continue my rather exciting and mildly immoral lifestyle. There are no Michelin stars where we live and my parents scorn material wealth because they believe in the American dream or something like that. Also they are Catholics and don’t really enjoy the thought of their darling daughter fucking my man hoes. To reestablish my life as a high flying socialite a miracle will have to happen. Hashtag send prayers
  3. I sort of have to sneak the hedgehog on my flight. Dw, I filled out the forms and paid a shitload for her to be accepted into the US being the bad hombre that she is but the airline company itself only accepts dogs, cats, and ferrets into its cabin. She has a little ticket booked under a chihuahua which will work as long as, y’know, they don’t see her. Otherwise I am going to call in a favor w my connected friend Tim and ask him to sort a private jet for me. He has a friend who brokers such things and I think I have helped him enough with his love life to pay me back.
  4. Nobody will hire me due to my unique degree choice. I can’t remember what lie I told y’all it was to keep my identity secret but its a BSc in a pretty specific field. Does it matter that I went to a top uni with high merit? Not one bit :)))
  5. I am confused by how to make more friends without sleeping with them after college. Because probably I don’t want to sleep with people for them to be my friends but everyone is already going to have established friend squads and then there will be sad little me. Maybe I will start a wine and cheese society.

On the bright side I get a puppy. We will travel to the land of the Quakers (aka PA) and I can pick out any one a want as long as it is half poodle. What would a French bull doodle look like I wonder?

Sincerely yours,

A former crazy girl

Birthday Shenanigans

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I turned 22 which is the most awkward age possible to be because you are not seen as young but also not mature.

Regardless I had a pretty good week! My friend Sierra flew in from NYC and we stayed at the sugar dad’s flat in Kensington. Sierra and I have been friends for the past decade or so; we ran the same speed during cross country practices and bonded over our shared awkwardness and poop stories. I’ve probably kept the best in touch with her out of my core high school squad. The Sugar Dad has been completely swamped with work which is why he has been so terrible at communication. I also found out that he is mildly autistic; his fixations on work and quirks make a lot more sense now and I love that he loves that I can be direct when I communicate with him. It makes things simpler all around.  Anyway, we stayed at his digs and I gave Sierra a little taste of my new life. Her first afternoon there I texted SD and asked if we could open a bottle of his wine (he thought it would be a good investment and has a wide variety of vintages.) He gave me the go ahead and told me to grab anything out of the wine cellar. Wine cellar? I wondered if he meant the crates of French wines in his hallway and was being cheeky like how we called my childhood home “Le Maison Blanc” to sound fancy when it was a pretty basic colonial. No. He had a legit wine cellar in his office hidden in the wall. Interestingly enough, SD was the first conquest of mine that Sierra actually liked. She HATED my last two boyfriends because one was apparently “embarrassed by my outgoing” self and the other was self absorbed and rude. She said SD was one of the sweetest men that she had ever met. Even though he doesn’t get sarcasm <_<

SD met us for dinner every night and we enjoyed restaurants like Dinner by Heston, Kouzo, and some Italian place in Soho that had calf intestines on its menu but apparently is super hard to get a reservation at. I have developed quite a taste for Japanese being with him. He is half Japanese and always knows what to order. The booze flowed freely and we partook in some sheesha (?) as well in Chelsea. There is a large middle eastern population which adds a lot to the local culture and food.

For my birthday gift the three of us went to see The Book of Mormon. I found it to be quite a heartwarming production and not very offensive to the religious types at all. Offensive to black people a little bit; that they needed the whites to save them but I think it was meant to make fun of the whole “white savior” view many missionaries bring with them on trips abroad. Also, my grandma saw it a few years ago and has the elderly stamp of approval as well. Fun for all ages 10/10!!!!

The only downside to the week was the end. Before I left for the airport SD and I had a coffee in Soho and my drink was cross contaminated with nuts. I ended up going into anaphylactic shock, consequently missing my flight home. Luckily a big dose of steroids stopped the swelling of my throat and SD cancelled his meetings for the rest of the day to take care of me. He also booked me a first class replacement flight which was much better than my original easy jet ticket. He is the greatest 🙂

Sincerely Yours,

A former crazy girl

 

A List of Reasons to Dislike Asian Bae

Lists are a good way to remember why you should not let people break your heart twice in a row. They are also a welcome distraction from the havoc wreaked on a heart!

  1. He is old. Like in 6 years he will be 40! Okay this isn’t a real reason; his age doesn’t bother me at all.
  2. He only cares about superficiality. That is why I found him on SA. He likes outer beauty more than inner. One time he told me that he likes NYC because it is full of beautiful people. That is pretty sad.
  3. He repeatedly dates girls in their teens. He is a 30+ year old man. If younger dates become a serial offence that is a bit of an alarm indicating stunted maturity levels.
  4. My bff hated him after meeting him for lunch.
  5. He laughed at me when I told him I had feelings for him.
  6. His ex fiancé was a model with an eating disorder and a drug problem. No wonder she miscarried their foetus.
  7. He would never pick up calls on weekends. Little bit sketch.
  8. He was dating other girls at the same time as me but told me how special and amazing I was.
  9. He picked up a call from an ex in the middle of dinner and left me alone in a restaurant for nearly 20 minutes.
  10. His love letters were pretentious af. I shall transcribe one for you in a few days when I am feeling less bad about this!

 

Probably there are more reasons.

Toxic Shock Scare: A Warning

Guys, this is super embarrassing and like, definitely TMI but I think it is important to have the information out there because while I was experiencing symptoms I scored the internet and saw no suggestions as to what the real problem was.

Two to three weeks ago I started to notice a very strong and unpleasant odor coming from down below. Now, I am sexually active but always use condoms and shower every day. I am prone to yeast infections so I am careful only to use warm water on my lady parts lest I kill off more precious bacteria (I’ve been on enough antibiotics to completely sterilize my body and we have millions of important bacteria living within us- it can really mess you up). The smell didn’t go away and was beginning to get embarrassing; I went to work almost every day and was incredibly self conscious of my body odor. I couldn’t stand near anyone!

Along with the smell I was experiencing diarrhea as well as a brownish, watery vaginal discharge. I flipped out because I thought that Gale had given me chlamydia (it’s going around town) but like I said I am a condom PRO and didn’t have any pain or irritation. It was getting all over my sheets and so finally because the GP was closed due to a bank holiday I went to the pharmacy to get a bacterial self testing pH kit. I kind of thought that sense there was such a dead corpse odor it could be bacterial and the litmus test indicated as such so I went about treating myself with an over the vaginal gel meant to rebalance the acids and bases in my vagina. Over the next two days I performed pagan rituals and squirted the burning gel up there but NO IMPROVEMENT.

Two days later I got an emergency appointment at the GP. My pH was off the charts (around a 6.7 when 3.5 is the norm) and was put on metronizadole twice a day. That is the antibiotic that causes projectile vomiting with alcohol and all of those pesky rumors about not mixing liquor and antibiotics come from. Again, NOTHING IMPROVED and I started to get dizzy, feverish, and heart palpitations. I couldn’t stand for more than fifteen minutes at work and was in a sour mood let me tell you! Looking back, it was at this point my system was beginning to go septic. Two weeks after I first noticed the smell I was showering and felt something stringy coming out of my vagina.

It was a tampon.

Since I was meant to have my period that week it meant that the tampon had probably been up there for close to three weeks and I began screeching as I pulled that rotten clump out of me. I was rushed to a nearby hospital and put on an IV drip as well as given a second course of antibiotics to take home.

The doctors attempted to reassure me that it was pretty common to JUST FORGET YOU HAD A TAMPON INSIDE OF YOU but I am so incredibly disgusted with myself. I also question the nurse at my GP practice who checked me out down there. She didn’t even notice it! I am feeling much better and have noticed nothing unusual since but don’t make the mistake I did and forget a fucking tampon. Bad, bad call.

*  The important difference between my tampon infection and typical bacterial vaginosis is the colour of the discharge. Mine was brown while it should have been white or clear.  Tampons can also flip themselves sideways in at the bottom of your cervix so you may have to dig deep to find anything :((

Sincerely yours,

AFCG

Fun n Flirty Facts about ME

Thank you guys for your question submissions; as an unapologetic narcissist I love this sort of thing!

Q: How old are you?

I am 21; which according to data analysts is past my prime. (Un)fortunately I look and sound very young for my age. Last September I helped move in my little sister to her freshman dorm at uni and the other parents asked me if I had started looking at colleges yet myself… I actually just finished my degree!! I have been on dates before where men have asked for proof of age (it’s actually a decent idea nowadays with the dangers of accidentally becoming a sexual predator) but it can be kind of demoralizing. In ten years I think I will appreciate it more!

Q:How many siblings do you have? 

I like to think of myself as the gooey cheese in a toastie. I have both an older sister and a younger sister. I don’t think I have middle child syndrome because my older sister is on the autistic spectrum; it made for an interesting family dynamic growing up but I am incredibly close with both of them as well as my parents!

Q:What is your favourite drink?

Heh, alcoholic or other? I love a fresh mojito in the summer; I grow fresh, organic mint in my garden and like that the drink is quite light compared to many cocktails.

I am a huge tea drinker as coffee makes me jittery. I switch between green and chai!

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Mojitos in the Maldives. Also note the gross callus on my thumb from my WORST childhood habit.

Q:Favourite food?

MAC N CHEESE 4 LIFE. I’ve grown to appreciate a fine lamb roast living abroad and before I became allergic loved fresh spinach. It just doesn’t taste as great cooked!

Due to my pile of allergies I am not really a picky eater and try to appreciate what I still can with the exception of fish which is like eating a vagina.

Q: Last purchase?

I actually just stopped by my natural supplement store for probiotics. I get the strawberry chewable tablets and today they were on sale BOGO free!!! Was the most exciting part of my week so far. I have taken maybe 30 doses of antibiotics over the past three years so it is very important that I replenish my natural bacterial cultures.

In terms of big purchases I just acquired a pair of Minna Parikka Bunny Sneaks. I adore quirky animal clothes and couldn’t resist treating myself after finishing my degree 🙂

Q: Have you ever been in love?

Once for certain but potentially twice. Still haven’t quite sorted out my feelings on the second.

 

Q: What is your greatest talent?

Probably seducing wealthy Asian businessmen. I am also a dog whisperer and a decent equestrian.

IMG_5019
He WAS pretty seduced…

 

Q: Worst Habit?

Oh this is embarrassing. I was a thumbsucker up into my early teens and sometimes when I am stressed or sleepy I realize that I still have my thumb in my mouth. The habit cost my parents thousands in orthodontics and I suffered through two rounds of braces.

Q: Who is your ideal television family?

My siblings think I am very similar to Louise Belcher of Bob’s Burgers so I think I could get shit done in that household. I think Modern Family would be a comfortable life as well and would LOVE two sassy gay dads. Is that insensitive and politically incorrect? Idk man.

Q: Who is your celeb crush?

Enrique Iglesias! I went to his concert with some friends and we got upgraded to the front row a few years ago. He smells expensive.

What is so bad about catching feelings?

About a month ago I was struggling with my self worth and cheekily sought a compliment from the sugar daddy.

“Theoretically, would you date me?” I wrote to him.

A few hours later I saw that he had been active but had not responded. I hastily followed up the message.

“Don’t worry I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, I am just curious if I am dateable!!!”

“If you were staying in the UK and had a better idea of what you want out of life, then sure.” he finally replied.

Since than SD has been a bit cold. He had always been very courteous about responding to messages and FaceTime calls; he had a genuine interest in my thoughts and general life going ons but after this he became a bit of a dick. I would text him a few times about the weather or my dissertation and he would not bother replying. SD did not answer my face times anymore and kept the flirting down to a bare minimum. He seemed to be trying to push me away. I should mention that I explained to him I was having a hard time and did not actually mean to put him on the spot; I had just wanted a boost in self esteem. I value the SD’s friendship very strongly but I don’t think that there is enough chemistry or general compatibility to become anything more in the long term. He is a great guy and I have a fabulous time with him but I do NOT have a crush on him.

I think the issue is SD believes I have caught feelings. This is an assumption that many men make in casual, heterosexual relationships. I pride myself in being very upfront with my relationships about intentions and feelings; I tell a guy if I want more. Usually though, I do not. The friends with benefits model works very well for me but I do place a huge value on the friendship part of the equation. I want to enjoy hanging out with my fuck buds in a clothed setting. Like Gale and I get food and I give him advice on his crush but we can also enjoy a snuggle in bed. Having emotional support and love is important in any friendship and if all parties are honest and trust each other sex does not have to complicate things.

I will say the only issue I struggle with is jealousy. I should specify that this is not feelings jealousy of other girls; I just have a superiority complex and want to be the best fuck bud for my guys. I can’t lie, I do enjoy the attention. However, I explain to my fwb that this is the case. Whether they believe me or not is another story.

SD needs to listen to what I have to say and not what he is afraid is happening. I think he is a non confrontational person so this is how he deals with worries. I will try to straighten things out next time I am in London. I don’t want to lose his friendship (or his money) because I find his presence relaxing and his advice solid. Wish me luck.

Another part of me wonders what is really so bad about me “liking” him if I did? I am charismatic, interesting, somewhat attractive, happy, and kind. Am I really so repulsive? It’s not like he’s seeing anyone else or is married. Plus crushes are compliments so people should start accepting them!

Sincerely yours,

AFCG

Sugar Daddy and the Maldives P.1

Guys!

I never told you about my adventure to the Maldives with the sugar dad. Here is just a wee breakdown of the trip ❤

I arrived in London two days before our departure. Because I live abroad I really don’t have many summer clothes with me (it never gets above 20C here 😦 ) so SD took it upon himself to buy me a few items. NetAPorter.com is a great place to find in season designer pieces and for guys shopping for their girls they deliver straight to your door 🙂 I got a blue ruffled Tory Burch Cabarita dress in an XS,  a black and pink lingerie set from Jessica Alba’s Collection, and a silk cotton blend open back shift dress from 3.1 Phillip Lim in a size 2. I was very pleasantly surprised the dresses fit because SD grossly underestimated my curves and I am more of a small as opposed to XS. My weight tends to fluctuate between 115 and 130 lbs (at 5’6″) so I prefer a bit more room. I am on the bigger end of the spectrum right now after a lot of deadlines and chocolate eating!! 🙂 But anyway, that is an aside. He somehow chose the right size and later that day we went out to a few shops to get him some shorts. He is only 30 and KOREAN which is a country known for their fashion forward men but I don’t think he caught on so it was very good I was with him.

Unfortunately I had been sick the week before with an ear infection and the course of antibiotics didn’t quite take care of it. With the added congestion from SD’s cats I got a secondary infection to my OTHER ear and my tonsil bed ( I had them out in December) so I had to see some fancy doctor in Kensington. He gave me a second dose of amoxicillin to take with me because I was worried about being on an island in the middle of the sea about 2 hours from any continent.

At the airport SD was told that he was BA Gold so not only did we get to go to the executive lounge but the FIRST CLASS SECTION of the lounge which had top shelf free for all liquor (I made myself a mostly rum with coke) and chocolate cake. I was in heaven. We flew first class as well and let me tell you, it is worth it for a long haul flight. I had never flown first before but they actually  learn you name and there is a cute little snack cupboard with many chocolate bars. I watched a film about Natalie Portman called Jackie about how John F was a bit of a hoe and played a game where I poked the sugar daddy as many times as possible to see how long it would take him to wake up. Maybe he regrets taking me 😉

The actual island, COMO Cocoa Island was about 40 minutes away from the airport by speedboat. Passing by Male is strange. I did not see one woman on the island. As it is a muslim country I assume they mainly stay in dorms and the same held true on the resort. The only female employees were foreign and men did the housekeeping. Before going I read about how a gang raped girl was sentenced to 100 lashes for premarital sex and I was worried about going unmarried to the island. However, the government turns a blind eye to this and alcohol consumption as well (though it is excessively taxed) and the Maldivians who work on the resorts are very welcoming and “liberal.”

Upon arriving at the resort we were waited on hand and foot. Bottled water was provided and everyone knew us by name. The other guests were typically married couples in their thirties although there were a few families and I was the only American. The food was a big worry of mine as I have allergies to seafood (amongst other things) but every meal I was given a specially prepared menu and SD took it upon himself to remind them every time we ate. Sweet in a way. That first day we were a bit jet lagged but spent an hour snorkeling in our “backyard” which was actually a reef! The sea life was astounding. I saw two octopi!! (They are a favorite of mine and can rewrite their RNA) The resort though luxurious is extremely casual and you can walk barefoot in a coverup even to dinner. I was horrified by the prices and mostly let SD but I think he got me something decent. Like pasta. V expensive pasta but good!

Sex with SD is satisfactory. He doesn’t have the most raging sex drive which I am totally okay with and needs to take “breaks” because he thinks he is older than he actually is. He had heart surgery a few years ago and I think his heart might not be as strong as it could be. He has a decent, slim physique and good “skills” in bed (I have had no trouble orgasming with him and his tongue lol) but there is no fiery passion. It isn’t his looks that are the problem as he is fairly nice looking I just don’t think he is aggressively male enough? I don’t know. But I can’t complain can I? We do like two positions and he doesn’t like blowjobs so everyone is content. Plus he makes me feel safe and is so very kind.

I’ll follow up with more dets on my misadventures(!) on the trip and a royal romance I helped make happen.

Sincerely Yours,

AFCG

 

British television is kind of awful.

Shows my flatmate likes to put on when I am eating my dinner:

Come Dine With Me- Four lonely, middle aged and/or homosexual Brits compete for glory and £1000 to have the best dinner party. They make three courses and provide some sort of “entertainment.” The entertainment is not good. It usually involves sexy dancing or playing strange Romanian games. The narrator’s voice is nasally and loud. It haunts my dreams. This show is always on bc no one would watch it otherwise.

Goggle Box- Now this is the most confusing one! Basically you watch a crap program about other people watching crap programs. Literally. They are watching TV and reacting to it. I am unsure how this is a thing.

Take Me Out- A tanned, mediocre man attempts to woo like 50 tanned, mediocre girls who all get a light. They turn their light out when he does something to offend them. He does a trick like a cartwheel or flexing his arm and then chooses a bae from the remaining lights. They go to an Island (probably off of Spain) called Fernando and make feeble attempts at flirting. It makes me mourn for love </3

I am a celebrity please get me out of here- A really pussy knock off of Survivor featuring B grade celebs. They camp in a forest but guess what? They get real food and running water and electricity and talk about how it is the hardest thing they have ever done. It is not actually hard.

X factor- Play God for all of these artsy fartsy teens who take themselves too seriously. Also, everyone refers to them as “artists” when really they are glorified karaoke singers. Most do not understand instruments or song writing. IT IS A FARCE.

One thing that all of these shows seem to have in common is that there is no real sense of competition. Everyone hugs each other and they do not even get catty or vote each other off. British television is so soft and disconcerting in its childish nature.

Sincerely Yours,

AFCG

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